I wanted for a moment to give up on trusting The Lord. Wondering what would life be like if I let go of faith, so many have long ago. At least it seems that way. Jesus is a single conversation, a quiet prayer with no heart in it. A prayer with no thought of walking it through. Words for many to see Jesus.
I sit next to a boy who cannot express love in any human way, at least I cannot see it all the time. I often wonder if I am imagining that he knows me. Rarely a smile or sigh, just that far off look and his eyes rolling back in his head. Perhaps that is the way of faith. Look hard at God until you see Him clearly. Like looking long into my son's face until I see that He knows me, he loves me, and desires me to speak to him even if he cannot respond.
I do not pretend God is visible to me. I still cannot see him or audibly hear his voice, but in an inhuman way, a supernatural way I know He is here. Directing my thoughts now, possibly your thoughts. I am not in control. I try to be, but it does not work. But I see he who talks to God regularly and as become more aware of his presence, more acquainted with His character and can trust him in a greater way. He has not programmed his brain to believe fairy tales and believe the invented dreams of an ancient man.
He does not ignore reason and science. Somewhere along the way the many have cleverly crafted a plan to make God and faith in Him appear foolish. There was a Great Wall erected between science and faith in the unseen world. Programs, books movies and every device known informed the mind and heart that God was invented. A pleasure tool to bring happiness to weak people. As I look upon a struggling child these thoughts paraded through my mind. It is over they say to, "God has forgotten you. He never was here to begin with. Look about you. So many pencil in Jesus on a card never fulling intending to give EVERYTHING to Him., No! Just the bare minimum to cross the gates of heaven. They believe that is all it takes. God only wanted card carrying Believers but not life altered, radical men and women fully given to Christ." So give up and just parade as a believer in Jesus, no need to sell the farm." But I let go of these lies. If anything this child in bed has been used to drive me closer to God, closer to His holy and purposeful intent for my life. I do not have all I want but I see better that I truly have all I need. Just out taking a walk and I get tired. I grow weary and afraid. I lose my way at times and make mistakes and even willfully turn from Gods perfection for me but I just keep walking toward Jesus. Keep praying I will follow His lead. Keep relying on Him to direct me from the inside through His spirit.
How can God pull back from what He has paid for at such a high price ?
How could I turn away from a God who has held no good gift from me, giving me His own life in exchange for my wretched sinful heart? What the world sees as a problem, a hindrance to my personal happiness I see more now as joy and eternal life. A victory crown I plan to give to God. I can do nothing good, nothing without His grace. It is sufficient for me. I ask that I will be able to keep on walking, keep on trusting Jesus for all.
It is okay to doubt but how long will it dictate your life and pull from you any hope at peace and freedom? Give them to Jesus.