Here is something Aaron wrote:
Though the Lord gave you adversity for food
and suffering for drink,
he will still be with you to teach you.
You will see your teacher with your own eyes. (Isaiah 30:20 NLT)
God has allowed this.
I don't know what I am doing. He does.
I had a plan... He had a better one.
I decided I wanted a health boy. But I got a sick one.
A clinched gripe on what you want, expect life to be. All the world around you has built in your mind a idea. This is what happiness looks like. And you strive many many years to obtain it. And you never quite get there.
What are you deciding, what plans are you making?
How sure are you about them? Is it you and you leave God out?
Real joy this week Elijah was saying a lot of words this week. But the last couple of days has not said much.
I was feeling real down at John's birthday party today.
Watching all the other kids playing. Eman could not play with them.
Joy came when I realized something.
Eternity.... is a long time. Life is short. We hang on to ever minute and second. With such a firm grip we hang on to life, this world. It seems all our human emotion drive us to see only the here and now. Like this is all there is. But God's eternal home is permanent, it is the reality. This life is a vapor, a dust.
I can say these words now. But soon the emotions the prison will confine me.
No Lord. I feel so trapped. I just want a healthy, strong boy. I want him to be well.
What does true health and strength look like. The world has an idea that misses the mark.
God say what power really is.
I am a small dot in a vast ocean. Drowning in this wise world. A world that tells me, that try's to define me and my thought.
Here a ant that can not see past it's own little hill. A galaxy exists and the ant claim all that is, is before him.
This is the world's mind. I breath and think and that is life.
What is an infinite system of stars and universe to a mind that will not and can not see past a square block of concrete.
God, I love you.
Help me understand these feelings, help me cling to Truth.
Some moments this is like a prison to me. I can't stop it. I can't get out of it. I can't run away. I can't cry enough. And I can't cry if I tired.
I am losing my arm. Losing my heart here.
I can't move this mountain.
I am down on my knew.. ready to give up. Not even able to look at this mountain. I am so scared. I am human.
Then God shows me something to pull my head up.
How does it come?
I see Elijah laying there. The thought crosses me that he is just healthy boy asleep. From a long day at school, playing, all the thing healthy boys do. Now he sleeps in the fort in his room. He fell asleep to a story I made up. He helped me tell it. Now I watch him sleep. My healthy boy. He dreams. he is resting for another day ahead of him. He sleeps with his whole life in front of him. Tomorrow after school we will go to the park and play baseball, but right now he sleeps. No sign of any problems. He is strong and smart. So much wisdom in him. His kindness and his smile draw others to him. They know he is a man who loves. Lord we taught him that. Well you did but you used me. Thank you.
All the people he will draw to you. He will speak and live what you made him to be. He is your boy, given to me, I will take care of him.
I love you.
Seeing my boy as God see him. He sees perfection.
I miss my son. I miss they way he was. His voice and the way he would walk down the hall to our room at night because he did want to go to bed. I miss how he would run away from us. He ran so fast. He had a run where he would looking down and it was almost like he was shaking his hips. I miss kicking the soccer ball to him. I miss how he would climb. I miss his high pitch voice.
I know he is here with us. He still has that smile. But i am fearful that it will go too.
He still laughs. He had a pleasant look on his face while I put him to sleep. He was real quite and he did not have his mouth open. It was as if for a moment I was looking at a health Elijah. It was as if he was thinking some deep thought and he was about ready to tell me all about it.
Lord I pray that you would give us Elijah to us. Like he was.
I miss how he would prayer for people that came to his mind. I miss how he would look at books an get animated with his voice. I miss his expressions and energy.
I can ask Lord. But while do I doubt this. I don't know what is happening. I just want it to stop. I want this pain to go away. I want my son back. Lord if I am thinking or doing anything wrong please show me.
My emotions are so strong I am having such a hard time seeing truth. Such a hard time feeling love. Is something wrong with me. I feel so lost. I still feel so lonely. The event of the day seem to mask my thoughts. But I lay here and they come flooding bake. Please help me Lord. Please help my wife. Please help my son. My family.
Thank you Lord
I love you.
Good intension to share the gospel are not good enough. Help me Lord to love to speak about my great savior. Invite many to come to you. You power at work in me. I would be overjoyed to have the chance to speak of you.
So i ask.. What is my excuse?
Praying for a miracle.
Praying, praying, seeking.. On my knees.. Crying.. Weeping...
2 Samuel 12:16-23